October 11, 2006
Duck and cover with Marky Mark and the fallout boys
I sure wish CNN would stop showing me old video of Mark Foley. He’s making me a little horny. God that’s gross. I’ll try again: Why don’t they use bookmarks in Congress? They just bend over the pages.
So it seems that a 52-year-old, six-term Florida Republican
congressman couldn’t resist having cyber-sex with 16-year-old boys while serving as the co-chair of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children because a priest felt him up when he was 13. Oh yeah—he’s gay. Oh yeah—he’s also an alcoholic. We don’t yet know what he plans to do about his alleged molestation 39 years ago. We must assume he’s OK with being gay. But apparently he does want to confront the alcohol thing because he checked himself into a rehabilitation facility right after resigning his office. Mark, Mark, Mark. Didn’t you get the memo? Rehab is for quitters.
You have to hand it to Foley. He has gotten way out in front of any defense he might have to mount in the face of potential criminal charges under the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act that he authored, which was signed into law just two months ago. If one wants to paint oneself as a victim, not a perpetrator, there’s no better way to do it than to tell the world one is gay, a molestation victim and a contrite alcoholic who has entered rehab voluntarily.
Of course, being gay has nothing to do with sending lecherous instant messages to 16-year-old boys. There are other gay congressmen, like Barney Frank, the 13-term Democrat from Massachusetts’ 4th District, who is, by his own admission, queer as a three-dollar bill. As far as I am aware, Frank does not routinely stalk underage pages online.
Likewise, being one of the countless grown adults who took a dose of priest weenie in the past several decades does not, by itself, make one incapable of restraining one’s impulse to harass youngsters by asking them to measure their penises. Show me a former altar boy who claims he never got a visit from Father McBugger and I’ll show you a liar. They all got fondled. They don’t all leave the floor of the United States Congress during a vote to simulate orgasms with minors via the Internet.
And then there’s the alcohol. I have spent a good portion of my adult life shit-faced. At my shit-facediest I have never written to a 16-year-old to tell him I had a boner. That’s not what alcoholics do. Alcoholics bang their Ford Mustangs off of security barricades. Ask Patrick Kennedy. Alcoholics get a little bent and say ugly things about Jews. Ask Mel Gibson. Alcoholics get drunk as hell and pay $49.95 to see a two-round fight on pay-per-view. Ask me. What Mark Foley did, over a long period of time with several different boys, has nothing to do with his inability to control his drinking. It has to do with his inability to control his pecker.
Still, despite the completely appropriate public outrage over Foley’s online rub-and-tug sessions with the cast of The Dead Poets Society, I think that as the dust settles we ought to admit to ourselves that modern American boys in their late adolescence are not the sexual innocents we would like to think. At least one of them seems to have been quite willingly and quite eagerly engaged with Foley in their little tryst at a distance. That is not a defense and it is not an excuse, but it is relevant. It is relevant because it makes Foley’s actions, though grievous and putatively criminal, not the most grievous crime committed in this whole morass.
That distinction goes to the malfeasance of the Republican leaders who knew full well about Foley’s salacious e-mails and covered them up. The gang includes Tom Reynolds, the New York four-termer who chairs the National Republican Congressional Committee; John Boehner, the House Majority Leader in his eighth term from Ohio; and Illinois’ John Shimkus, the chairman of the page board serving in this, his fifth term. What a disturbing collection of dissembling pricks.
Then, of course, there’s former history teacher, former wrestling coach and current
body double for Jabba the Hut, the distinguished 10-termer from Illinois, House Speaker Dennis Hastert. Asked on Rush Limbaugh’s radio show whether he was considering resigning over the flap occasioned by revelations that he knew about Foley’s “overly friendly” e-mails as early as 2003 and did effectively nothing, the Speaker spoke thus: “I’m not going to do that.” At least he’s consistent. Why start doing anything now?
Watching these clowns throw each other under the bus is my new favorite pastime. And it appears, thank God, that it just might cost the Republicans control of the House. It’s about time. I guess you can’t get Americans riled up enough over unconstitutional wire-tapping to make them throw the bums out. It’s rather clear that an unjustifiable war won’t do it. It’s equally clear that as long as the GOP keeps beating the bush about flag burning, stem cells, wetbacks and queers getting married, voters will just keep lining up at the polls and pushing Republican e-chads because if they don’t, the next thing you know, a gay Mexican embryo will burn a flag at a wedding.
I am actually grateful to Mark Foley. I don’t care all that much that some middle-aged poof from Palm Beach sat around masturbating while imagining a high-school student in a jock strap. It’s weird, but it’s not very interesting. What is interesting is what it requires for the masses to get a clue. The Republican-controlled Congress has been rubber-stamping a fascist platform for W’s administration for six years now, and if the only thing that can raise enough hackles to shake the foundations of the crumbling Capitol is a scandal involving a lecher and some prep-school boys then so be it. Many of us have been wondering for six years what had to happen to shake up a narrow majority of American voters. At last we know.
Duck and cover with Marky Mark and the fallout boys
I sure wish CNN would stop showing me old video of Mark Foley. He’s making me a little horny. God that’s gross. I’ll try again: Why don’t they use bookmarks in Congress? They just bend over the pages.
So it seems that a 52-year-old, six-term Florida Republican
congressman couldn’t resist having cyber-sex with 16-year-old boys while serving as the co-chair of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children because a priest felt him up when he was 13. Oh yeah—he’s gay. Oh yeah—he’s also an alcoholic. We don’t yet know what he plans to do about his alleged molestation 39 years ago. We must assume he’s OK with being gay. But apparently he does want to confront the alcohol thing because he checked himself into a rehabilitation facility right after resigning his office. Mark, Mark, Mark. Didn’t you get the memo? Rehab is for quitters.You have to hand it to Foley. He has gotten way out in front of any defense he might have to mount in the face of potential criminal charges under the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act that he authored, which was signed into law just two months ago. If one wants to paint oneself as a victim, not a perpetrator, there’s no better way to do it than to tell the world one is gay, a molestation victim and a contrite alcoholic who has entered rehab voluntarily.
Of course, being gay has nothing to do with sending lecherous instant messages to 16-year-old boys. There are other gay congressmen, like Barney Frank, the 13-term Democrat from Massachusetts’ 4th District, who is, by his own admission, queer as a three-dollar bill. As far as I am aware, Frank does not routinely stalk underage pages online.
Likewise, being one of the countless grown adults who took a dose of priest weenie in the past several decades does not, by itself, make one incapable of restraining one’s impulse to harass youngsters by asking them to measure their penises. Show me a former altar boy who claims he never got a visit from Father McBugger and I’ll show you a liar. They all got fondled. They don’t all leave the floor of the United States Congress during a vote to simulate orgasms with minors via the Internet.
And then there’s the alcohol. I have spent a good portion of my adult life shit-faced. At my shit-facediest I have never written to a 16-year-old to tell him I had a boner. That’s not what alcoholics do. Alcoholics bang their Ford Mustangs off of security barricades. Ask Patrick Kennedy. Alcoholics get a little bent and say ugly things about Jews. Ask Mel Gibson. Alcoholics get drunk as hell and pay $49.95 to see a two-round fight on pay-per-view. Ask me. What Mark Foley did, over a long period of time with several different boys, has nothing to do with his inability to control his drinking. It has to do with his inability to control his pecker.
Still, despite the completely appropriate public outrage over Foley’s online rub-and-tug sessions with the cast of The Dead Poets Society, I think that as the dust settles we ought to admit to ourselves that modern American boys in their late adolescence are not the sexual innocents we would like to think. At least one of them seems to have been quite willingly and quite eagerly engaged with Foley in their little tryst at a distance. That is not a defense and it is not an excuse, but it is relevant. It is relevant because it makes Foley’s actions, though grievous and putatively criminal, not the most grievous crime committed in this whole morass.
That distinction goes to the malfeasance of the Republican leaders who knew full well about Foley’s salacious e-mails and covered them up. The gang includes Tom Reynolds, the New York four-termer who chairs the National Republican Congressional Committee; John Boehner, the House Majority Leader in his eighth term from Ohio; and Illinois’ John Shimkus, the chairman of the page board serving in this, his fifth term. What a disturbing collection of dissembling pricks.
Then, of course, there’s former history teacher, former wrestling coach and current
body double for Jabba the Hut, the distinguished 10-termer from Illinois, House Speaker Dennis Hastert. Asked on Rush Limbaugh’s radio show whether he was considering resigning over the flap occasioned by revelations that he knew about Foley’s “overly friendly” e-mails as early as 2003 and did effectively nothing, the Speaker spoke thus: “I’m not going to do that.” At least he’s consistent. Why start doing anything now?Watching these clowns throw each other under the bus is my new favorite pastime. And it appears, thank God, that it just might cost the Republicans control of the House. It’s about time. I guess you can’t get Americans riled up enough over unconstitutional wire-tapping to make them throw the bums out. It’s rather clear that an unjustifiable war won’t do it. It’s equally clear that as long as the GOP keeps beating the bush about flag burning, stem cells, wetbacks and queers getting married, voters will just keep lining up at the polls and pushing Republican e-chads because if they don’t, the next thing you know, a gay Mexican embryo will burn a flag at a wedding.
I am actually grateful to Mark Foley. I don’t care all that much that some middle-aged poof from Palm Beach sat around masturbating while imagining a high-school student in a jock strap. It’s weird, but it’s not very interesting. What is interesting is what it requires for the masses to get a clue. The Republican-controlled Congress has been rubber-stamping a fascist platform for W’s administration for six years now, and if the only thing that can raise enough hackles to shake the foundations of the crumbling Capitol is a scandal involving a lecher and some prep-school boys then so be it. Many of us have been wondering for six years what had to happen to shake up a narrow majority of American voters. At last we know.
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