The Hajj from the Fifth Avenue Gazette

January 13, 2006

Mecca Lecca Hi Mecca Hiney Ho
Mecca, Saudi Arabia – I still don’t completely understand what happened the other day that led to the deaths of 345 Muslim pilgrims. I know that part of the credo of that faith is the expectation that all Muslims who are able are expected to go to Mecca at least once in their lifetimes. I’ve got that. I also know that during the Hajj, there are certain rituals in which pilgrims participate, including throwing 49 stones at pillars that symbolize the devil. I’m down with that. It makes sense.

And lest you think I’m about to go into some Muslim-bashing rant, I’m not. I have actually read the Koran. I have looked into Islam. It’s a pretty sensible faith, as faiths go. At its core, Islam is a code of peace, moderation, dignity, tolerance, and humility. It’s a cool religion actually.

BUT, I think it’s a safe bet that any god worth worshipping probably does not want her acolytes to crush like lemmings into a corridor of death in which the slower ones get trampled after tripping over their own luggage.

And to me, the really weird part is that this happens every year. Last year, on February 1, the BBC ran the following story:

A stampede at the Hajj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia has left at least 244 people dead, the largest number killed at the event since 1997.

Three words – what the fuck? Are you kidding me? They keep records?

I read somewhere that officials estimate that as many as three million pilgrims came to Mecca this year. Given the trampling deaths and the 76 others who died when a hotel fell into a crowded street (the Koran is lax on code enforcement), the Hajj is still fairly safe, with 99.985% of all pilgrims surviving the event. That makes it roughly as risky as Pamplona’s annual running of the bulls, which is about four times safer than an Oakland Raiders game, which, in turn, is twice as safe as the mall on the day after Thanksgiving.

But I’m still not satisfied. I think we could make this thing a whole lot safer. So last night I talked to Mohammed. I can sense some of you pulling away from me, but hang in there for a minute. I have a special relationship with dead prophets. They like me. They take my calls. I carry on regular correspondence with Elijah and Elisha both. You didn’t think I got this smart all on my own did you? I know things because dead prophets tell them to me. That’s why I’m an emperor and you’re not.

So Mohammed and I are talking and I said, “Mo, if you can pull yourself away from the virgins for a minute, I need to ask you something. How about easing up on the pilgrimage thing?”

He answered, “Well whatever you think, Tony. I mean you’re the one who’s still alive. You’re the one who knows how the world has changed in the 1,400 years since I up and croaked. Your call will be fine with me.”

Mohammed is a pretty agreeable guy (until he gets a few drinks in him). With his backing, I hereby decree that able-bodied Muslims are no longer expected to go to Mecca. From now on, they can go to Las Vegas instead.

Las Vegas loves tourists. Las Vegas has nice wide streets, and lots of things that symbolize the devil at which to hurl stones, epithets, phlegm or whatever you want. A pilgrimage to Las Vegas can be arranged cheaply on Southwest.com where you can take advantage of some really swell travel deals. Las Vegas has good food, good shows, and plenty of parking. No one ever gets trampled in Las Vegas.

Sure, there are some things about Las Vegas that might not be all that agreeable to the more traditional Muslim set – naked girls, some of whom will have sex with you for money (God bless them), liquor, tobacco, gambling – I know Islam ain’t exactly hip to drinking, smoking, gambling and screwing. Those are mostly Christian things apparently.

But that’s not all there is to Las Vegas. There’s also the weather, and gobs of wide open space. And that’s why Las Vegas is just as good a place for a Hajj as Mecca.

I did some checking – Las Vegas has an average year-round temperature of 78 degrees and an average annual rainfall of 4.3 inches. Mecca has an average year-round temperature of 78 degrees and an average annual rainfall of 4.4 inches. In other words, but for a tenth of an inch of rain, they’re basically the same place, except that Las Vegas has law enforcement and its hotels don’t fall down. Oh yeah, there also aren’t any public beheadings in the streets of Las Vegas.

There’s boxing, though. Don King is huge in Las Vegas. Pretty much every night of the week you can find boxing in Las Vegas, and not crappy boxing like the shit they promote at the Indian (feathers, not dots) casinos. I mean real, serious boxing. It’s all rigged to make sure that Don King keeps getting richer, but it’s boxing nevertheless.

However, there’s a catch – whereas Mecca has never been noted for its popularity with the Jews, there’s a whole big whopping heap of Jews in Las Vegas. I mean they’re just all over the place. They like to wear faux turtle necks and way too much cologne and hang out at the Bellagio and the Rio and play craps. They talk on their cell phones and disturb everyone around them.

Mind you, I’m not talking about Ariel Sharon Jews, I’m talking about Richard Lewis Jews, the kind that think being Jewish means you have to drive an SUV, buy jewelry for your wife and schedule play dates for your children.

Not to worry. I am fairly certain that if three million Muslims suddenly showed up in Las Vegas and one of them scrambled to the top of the nearest minaret (perhaps the Eiffel Tower) and started bellowing “Allah, Hu Akbar,” the Jews would pack up right quick and head to Reno.

* I have long been baffled at the passion engendered in some Muslim extremists by the idea that if they die in a Jihad they will spend eternity with scores of virgins. Why virgins? If I blow myself up and get to spend eternity balling a bevy of broads, I don’t want them to be virgins. I would rather spend eternity with some chicks who know what they’re doing. I would make a good terrorist if I knew that when I die I could spend eternity in paradise in the company of 73 porn stars. You can keep the virgins, thank you.