Move Israel to Arizona from the Fifth Avenue Gazette

April 12, 2006

Editor’s note – I have a friend who drinks light beer for breakfast and who doesn’t want any credit for the best story idea I have heard in months. Fine, Jack. I will take the credit, but I owe you a shot.

Mideast Meets Southwest
Tucson – I’m no Bible scholar, but if I recall correctly from my Southern Baptist boyhood, it has been a good five thousand years since Noah and his kin folk survived the flood along with a pair of every critter they could round up (the unicorns didn’t make it on the boat). That’s roughly 250 generations since two of Noah’s sons, Ham and Shem, set about repopulating the earth by siring, respectively, the Hamites and the Semites. In that time, one thing has become unavoidably obvious – your Ay-rabs and your Jew sorts just can’t get along.

For a good long while that fact didn’t matter much to anyone but them. Other than the Crusades, the rest of us (who, it would seem, just sprang up out of nowhere) haven’t had much reason to care about what happens in the Middle East until about a century ago. In fact, it wasn’t until August of 1920 when the victorious Allied Powers carved up the carcass of the former Ottoman Empire following the First World War that the West had any real stake in the region. At that time, the place wasn’t exactly crawling with Jews, most of whom had been scattered around Europe over the millenia.

In 1948, however, the Brits (who hold onto their Empire like the Irish hold their tempers) went and chopped Palestine (the land of the Philistines) into two parts creating the modern-day states of Jordan and Israel. Ever since then . . . well, you know the rest.

To start with, the Jewish homeland was about as big as the flight deck of the USS Midway and the immigrants that flocked there were packed in like sacrificial sheep. Once the English up and skedaddled, it wasn’t long before a bunch of pissed-off Muslims decided to roust the Red Sea pedestrians permanently. But you have to hand it to the Jews – they might not be much good at peace, but they can damn sure fight a war.

Skipping several decades, the question of the hour yesterday was, “what, exactly, is W intending to do about Iran?” I happen to think I know what he intends to do, but that’s beside the point. Given that he is hell-bent on busting up some more towel-heads to make the world safe for extremism, just what is his motivation?

Said one friend, “Because they’re intent on building nuclear weapons.”

Said another, “Yes, but India, Pakistan, North Korea, shit damn near everybody has nukes now days.”

Said a third, “But Iran is committed to the destruction of Israel.”


Well if that’s the case, then why is Iran the problem? I propose that the problem is Israel (which almost certainly has its own nukes and you know it). The problem we’ve got here is that the Brits (those wankers) couldn’t see that asking Menachem and Mustapha to live next door to each other is a recipe for catastrophe.

And don’t give me the “promised land” bull shit. I don’t care who thinks they’re entitled to what and neither does God. I asked her and she told me she never promised anything to anybody, except when she promised Alabama to the West Africans.

So here’s what ought to happen – Israel should move to Arizona.

Think on it for a second. Where it is now, Israel is surrounded by Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon and Syria – four places not noted for their fondness of Hebrews. Arizona, by contrast, abuts Mexico, New Mexico, Colorado, Utah, Nevada and California. Other than Brigham Young’s tribe of polygamous weirdos to the north, that makes Arizona a pretty safe place for Israel.

Here are a few more selling points. Just like Israel, Arizona is a dry, barren, rocky, ugly moonscape. Just like Israel, there is no oil in Arizona. Just like Israel, Arizona didn’t really exist until some white people stole it from the brown people who lived there and built golf courses. And one more thing about Arizona – just like Israel, most Americans don’t really want to go there.

Sure enough, it would be quite a trick to convince a whole nation to pull up stakes and move halfway around the globe. You no doubt saw what a mess it caused when Ariel Sharon (who they tell me is still resting) told a passel of settlers they had to get out of the West Bank. So I suggest we enlist the rabbis. Have a cleric tell the Israelis that some new scrolls have been discovered that are encoded with Jehovah’s own ancient words. Whereas the old translation read “the land of the Red Sea,” what the Torah actually says is “the land of the Red People.” Dead Sea scrolls – nope, they’re the Death Valley scrolls. Land of milk and honey? Easy. Longhorns and beehives.

As for the lack of a Wailing Wall and a Temple Mount, give me a break. Three words – Universal Studios Florida. If you don’t think today’s set-builders can pull off a convincing replica of Jerusalem, rent a movie. Have you seen Las Vegas lately?

And even if you can’t sell them on the prophecy angle, there are lots more reasons that Arizona is a way better place than Israel. For starters Arizona is nearly six times as big. You can build all the kibutz you like out around Gila Bend. There’s also a plentiful source of cheap labor in Arizona. Israelis are accustomed to exploiting folks and unlike Palestinians, Mexicans almost never blow up sidewalk cafés.

Affluent Israelizonians can live in Scottsdale. The working class can live in Tucson and pressure their sons to go to the U of A and study medicine. On long weekends (because God knows those people have a shit load of holidays) they can go to Sedona. If we’re lucky, a good portion of New York City might make the move.

You might be wondering, “Yes Tony, but if Israel leaves, what will become of the Middle East.” I hate to answer a question with a question, but who gives a shit? Let’s face it. There are precisely two reasons we’re in the Middle East at all: one – Israel, two – oil. With Israel gone, that just leaves oil and do you know what? Last I heard there were no Al Quaeda cells in Venezuela. Hugo Chavez better watch his ass.

Despite my friend's desire for anonymity, I will call this version of a Middle East Peace Plan the Jack Initiative. I’ll be sending a draft version of the plan to Tel Aviv later this week, once I can figure out how to write backwards and leave out all the vowels.