Calendargate Threatens to Upset Miers’ Nomination
Washington, D.C. – Harriett Miers, W’s nominee to replace outgoing Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, refused to comment yesterday about her inclusion in the now notorious Beltway Snatch, a calendar featuring twelve graphic images of prominent women in government, “up close and personal.”
The Calendar has made the rounds of fraternity houses, taverns, and press rooms for several months, but the subject of the June pictorial was only uncovered yesterday when a former “friend with benefits” identified Miers by a birthmark in the
shape of Theodore Roosevelt on the inside of her right thigh.
In the Calendar, Miers lists her turn-ons as “back hair, chicks with dicks, public sex, vegetables, and men with thick palms.” Her turn-offs are “girls who don’t go both ways, people who ask tough questions, Wolf Blitzer, and blood.”
Josh Belzer, a freshman at Georgetown University and Tau Kappa Epsilon pledge, told the Fifth Avenue Gazette, “All of us agree – She’s by far the hottest chick in the whole calendar.” Belzer added, “Janet Reno is totally smoking, but Harriet’s the fucking bomb. I’ve seen some pretty wild beaver shots in my time, but they don’t come any finer than her.”
Speaking to reporters during a photo opportunity with the Prime Minister of Albania, W responded to questions about what the calendar means for the likelihood of Miers’ confirmation by the Senate. “Look, I know Harriett Miers, I know her heart,” the President claimed, adding, “and I know she doesn’t do anal.”
The results of yesterday’s Fifth Avenue Gazette opinion poll, however, suggest that Miers might face a tough round of questioning when her confirmation hearings get under way in November. Nearly half of all respondents say that Miers’ photo spread is blurry, and more than two out of three say they think she should go ahead and shave the whole thing.
Miers is not the first prominent female official in the Bush Administration to draw criticism for her appearance in the calendar. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice came under fire from Senate Democrats who said her close-up looked like “a bulldog with a broken jaw.” Miers’ potential colleague, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, has conversely been criticized by Republicans in Congress. Said one congressman on the condition of anonymity, “I’ve seen hotter tail on a nickel.”
I’m almost certain I can get sued for this one. At the very least, I’m relatively certain it will get me a file with the Department of Homeland Security, or the FBI, or the CIA, or whatever agency is now officially responsible for suppressing free speech. To tell you the truth, I don’t even know if this is funny, or just plain gross. But whatever it is, it’s satire, and it’s constitutionally protected, even if it’s unpopular.
I wonder if it would be just as funny if it was about men, rather than women. Let’s see. Why not?
Last summer, a similar publication entitled D.C. Dick was widely circulated by bloggers and rappers (who are mostly gay, as one can tell by the misogyny of their lyrics). In that scurrilous photo essay, Dan Quayle is depicted with a crucifix inserted into his rectum while a dwarf sits on his lap and uses a sea urchin spine to pierce his nipple. Quayle claims that it was done for charity, but a raid of the offices of Wainwright and Carpenter, Llp., uncovered questionable accounting practices. The Government Accountability Office eventually reported that “not one dime out of the millions of dollars in gross sales of D.C. Dick went to the Christian Children’s Fund, despite what its publishers might claim.”
If Quayle was duped into posing for D.C. Dick, he was not alone. Retired General Norman Schwarzkopf appeared in the centerfold and was depicted in a multi-page spread that included pictures of Schwarzkopf and Colin Powell above the caption “Stormin’ Norman loves the dark meat!”
I’m not sure, but I think it’s not as funny with men. It’s an awfully funny thing to ridicule people from Bush the Elder’s administration, tough. It’s been a long-ass time since we’ve had the pleasure of picking on Dan Quayle. God I miss that silly bastard. For one who gets a kick out of picking on powerful stupid people, he’s an absolute gold mine. I mean, do you even remember the silly shit that clown pulled off? There was the time, while in Peru, that he greeted a crowd by telling them how happy he was to be in Latin America so that he could finally get a chance to use his Latin, and there was the time he corrected the school girl who had misspelled “potatoe.” Molly Ivins said it best about Dan: “If you put his brain in a bumblebee, the sumbitch would fly backward.” But I digress. Since I can’t really think up much more to round out this issue, how’s about a joke?
* * *
A farm boy is sitting at the kitchen table one morning eating his breakfast and he sees a bull in the pasture with two cows. He runs into his mother’s room and says, “Momma, there’s a bull out in the pasture with a white cow and a brown cow, and guess what Momma, the bull’s fucking the brown cow.” His mother looks at him, horrified, and says “Son, we don’t use words like that. We say the bull ‘surprised’ the brown cow.” Minutes later the boy rushes back into his mother’s room and says “Guess what’s happening now Momma.” “I know,” she says. “The bull surprised the white cow.” And the little boy answers, “He certainly did! He’s fucking the brown one again.”
Washington, D.C. – Harriett Miers, W’s nominee to replace outgoing Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, refused to comment yesterday about her inclusion in the now notorious Beltway Snatch, a calendar featuring twelve graphic images of prominent women in government, “up close and personal.”
The Calendar has made the rounds of fraternity houses, taverns, and press rooms for several months, but the subject of the June pictorial was only uncovered yesterday when a former “friend with benefits” identified Miers by a birthmark in the
shape of Theodore Roosevelt on the inside of her right thigh.In the Calendar, Miers lists her turn-ons as “back hair, chicks with dicks, public sex, vegetables, and men with thick palms.” Her turn-offs are “girls who don’t go both ways, people who ask tough questions, Wolf Blitzer, and blood.”
Josh Belzer, a freshman at Georgetown University and Tau Kappa Epsilon pledge, told the Fifth Avenue Gazette, “All of us agree – She’s by far the hottest chick in the whole calendar.” Belzer added, “Janet Reno is totally smoking, but Harriet’s the fucking bomb. I’ve seen some pretty wild beaver shots in my time, but they don’t come any finer than her.”
Speaking to reporters during a photo opportunity with the Prime Minister of Albania, W responded to questions about what the calendar means for the likelihood of Miers’ confirmation by the Senate. “Look, I know Harriett Miers, I know her heart,” the President claimed, adding, “and I know she doesn’t do anal.”
The results of yesterday’s Fifth Avenue Gazette opinion poll, however, suggest that Miers might face a tough round of questioning when her confirmation hearings get under way in November. Nearly half of all respondents say that Miers’ photo spread is blurry, and more than two out of three say they think she should go ahead and shave the whole thing.
Miers is not the first prominent female official in the Bush Administration to draw criticism for her appearance in the calendar. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice came under fire from Senate Democrats who said her close-up looked like “a bulldog with a broken jaw.” Miers’ potential colleague, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, has conversely been criticized by Republicans in Congress. Said one congressman on the condition of anonymity, “I’ve seen hotter tail on a nickel.”
I’m almost certain I can get sued for this one. At the very least, I’m relatively certain it will get me a file with the Department of Homeland Security, or the FBI, or the CIA, or whatever agency is now officially responsible for suppressing free speech. To tell you the truth, I don’t even know if this is funny, or just plain gross. But whatever it is, it’s satire, and it’s constitutionally protected, even if it’s unpopular.
I wonder if it would be just as funny if it was about men, rather than women. Let’s see. Why not?
Last summer, a similar publication entitled D.C. Dick was widely circulated by bloggers and rappers (who are mostly gay, as one can tell by the misogyny of their lyrics). In that scurrilous photo essay, Dan Quayle is depicted with a crucifix inserted into his rectum while a dwarf sits on his lap and uses a sea urchin spine to pierce his nipple. Quayle claims that it was done for charity, but a raid of the offices of Wainwright and Carpenter, Llp., uncovered questionable accounting practices. The Government Accountability Office eventually reported that “not one dime out of the millions of dollars in gross sales of D.C. Dick went to the Christian Children’s Fund, despite what its publishers might claim.”
If Quayle was duped into posing for D.C. Dick, he was not alone. Retired General Norman Schwarzkopf appeared in the centerfold and was depicted in a multi-page spread that included pictures of Schwarzkopf and Colin Powell above the caption “Stormin’ Norman loves the dark meat!”
I’m not sure, but I think it’s not as funny with men. It’s an awfully funny thing to ridicule people from Bush the Elder’s administration, tough. It’s been a long-ass time since we’ve had the pleasure of picking on Dan Quayle. God I miss that silly bastard. For one who gets a kick out of picking on powerful stupid people, he’s an absolute gold mine. I mean, do you even remember the silly shit that clown pulled off? There was the time, while in Peru, that he greeted a crowd by telling them how happy he was to be in Latin America so that he could finally get a chance to use his Latin, and there was the time he corrected the school girl who had misspelled “potatoe.” Molly Ivins said it best about Dan: “If you put his brain in a bumblebee, the sumbitch would fly backward.” But I digress. Since I can’t really think up much more to round out this issue, how’s about a joke?
* * *
A farm boy is sitting at the kitchen table one morning eating his breakfast and he sees a bull in the pasture with two cows. He runs into his mother’s room and says, “Momma, there’s a bull out in the pasture with a white cow and a brown cow, and guess what Momma, the bull’s fucking the brown cow.” His mother looks at him, horrified, and says “Son, we don’t use words like that. We say the bull ‘surprised’ the brown cow.” Minutes later the boy rushes back into his mother’s room and says “Guess what’s happening now Momma.” “I know,” she says. “The bull surprised the white cow.” And the little boy answers, “He certainly did! He’s fucking the brown one again.”
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